I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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