Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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