New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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