just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We need to get me chipped asap
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
