there was a trapeze. enough said
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
