I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
