he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
