watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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