4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
