There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You were trust falling into bushes
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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