so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
