I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
