When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
