okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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