WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
