also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
