Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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