you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
