Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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