She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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