If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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