I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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