Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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