i used baking grease as lip gloss
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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