i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
