I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
