i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
