i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
