Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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