I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
