**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
