they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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