shes about as inviting as chlamydia
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
