is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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