forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
