did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
