Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
