I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
