Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I have tasted many bathrooms
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
