I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
