Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
