DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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