Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
