you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
