this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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