Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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