you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
