thus making me awesome and them whores
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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