I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
