take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
