Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
