Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
