If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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