I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
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