I hate your face
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
