Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
