I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
