I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
